Baby Steps to Mom

Surgery. It's not as bad as it sounds.

It's funny how a doctor can call even the most simple procedure "surgery" and consequently send patients into a downward spiral of panic. Last week I went in for my six-week post-partum checkup, and everything was fantastical until I mentioned that I was still bleeding- not profusely, but just, you know, still bleeding. At a point when it probably should have stopped. She ordered an ultrasound and afterward I was informed that I had "retained placenta" and had to have a D+C. Hmmm, OK, and what is that exactly?

"SURGERRRRRYYYYYYYYY."

Good Lord, that is such a dirty word when you're the one who has to go through it.

So a D+C is a simple procedure where they get all up in your business and scrape out the inside of your uterus. Something for which, fortunately, there is an anesthesiologist present who injects the good stuff into your veins and knocks you out completely. Takes 30 minutes or so. Breezy recovery. So it's not that bad- why the brief bouts of terror?

You see, needles don't bother me- until I see them. I've had my ears pierced, and even had a period of rebellion in my life when I pierced my tongue and got a tattoo. Because I never saw said needles, and I was fine. But show me the needle and FORGET IT. In addition, you can pretty much stick me with a needle anywhere and I barely notice, but get a sharp object anywhere near the crook of my arm where they draw blood and I go white as a ghost. Therefore, pregnancy and childbirth, as easy as I had it, was not a walk in the park for me when it came to all the blood tests I had to have done.

So here's the backstory. When I was six years old, in our family doctor's office, a man who was so caring and wonderful and who I trusted completely, I had to have my blood drawn. At six years old, I had no idea that it would be better not to watch them do it- I thought, in all my infinite wisdom, that I needed to see it and I would feel better. So I watched. AND PASSED OUT COLD. When I woke up, I thought I died, and I have had a phobia of getting my blood drawn ever since. I know- pathetic, right? I was six years old! Get over it already!

So the worst part of today's surgery was the fact that I had to sit there for about an hour, fully conscious, with an IV line sitting in my arm in preparation for the glorious anesthesia I'd be receiving for the procedure. It bothered me SO MUCH. I couldn't even feel it but the fact that I knew it was there made me all lightheaded and weirded out. It's the first thing they do and the last thing they remove before you're all done. But whatever, I survived to tell the tale, and I'm at home less than two hours later and feel like a million bucks.

How I ever took up sewing as a hobby I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND. There are a lot of needles involved in that pastime!

What really matters.

It's not just a cheesy multi-billion dollar company's tagline: Having a baby changes everything.

I've found that Linnea's arrival has completely altered my perception of everything. I used to think that my pregnancy changed things immensely (and it did), but I had no idea what I was in for when we were blessed with an amazingly beautiful, perfectly healthy little girl. I am so thankful for how fortunate we are to have had no complications in the pregnancy or the birth, to have a home to return to, cars in great condition, that my husband has a job, and wonderful friends and family to share life with. I wanted to correct things that weren't right for the sake of our daughter, and I'm happy to say that I was able to do that in some cases, but sadly, not all. I recently read my friend Jessica's blog on forgiveness and boy, could I ever relate to literally every word she wrote. It's a good, honest read and is exactly how I feel. It's funny how similar she and I are in so many ways- right down to the struggles we face in life! 

As we all process through the recent events in Haiti- the heartbreaking loss of life, the devastation, the long road the country has toward restoration (and wait for news on the Compassion kids we sponsor, Flandie and Makendy)- and follow stories like that of Kate McRae, I look at my precious little family and can't imagine my life without them. I can't help but think about what really matters in this short time we have on earth. There's always that part of me who wonders if our worst fears were realized, who would be there? Any why would they be there? I'm not one of those paranoid types who thinks that the worst case scenario will ALWAYS happen if you're not prepared, but it's clear that no one knows what God holds for each of us. There is simply so much that is out of our control. But what about the things we can control? And in any major event in life, whether it be good or bad, why let a large black cloud hover over those events? Is it ever worth withholding forgiveness and restoration if it means you miss out on amazing parts of life- or if you know you would be sorry if you never had a chance to make things right? 

I don't mean to sound morbid- it's just hard not to think about these things when it's so front-and-center in the news these days. Like I said, our little one has changed the way I look at everything, and while I know I will make mistakes, I want desperately to live as a good example for her sake. I found myself at a crossroads as her arrival neared, and I tried to make things right the best way I knew how, and was shot down and shut out by two people who will always mean so much to my husband and me. I can't condemn the parties involved for being hurt and angry, because God knows I was as well, but I came to the realization that it's not worth living this way anymore- and it's not worth pretending there isn't a problem either. Like Jessica said in her blog, it hurts to have an apology go ignored time and time again. It hurts to be utterly misunderstood, especially when you're trying to make things right. It hurts when you feel like you can't be yourself, and you can't be human and mess up, and be accepted too. And it hurts to be told that all is lost when you see something worth rebuilding. 

When you truly love someone, and they truly love you back, you should be able to have even the most unbearable disagreements and end up with a stronger relationship when all is said and done. That's what I learned through restored friendships that I never thought stood a chance. I don't have all the answers; I just see things differently than ever before. And all I have left to do now is hope and pray that things change- and ask God to help keep things consistently in perspective so that bitterness doesn't ever take root in my heart over the capacity to forgive that He so graciously gave me.

At times, I didn't think I had it in me- and then I met Linnea. She truly has changed everything.